Every morning I ask myself, “What fresh hell am I waking up to today?”
Me: What makes you happy?
Other person: Can you ask that another way?
Me: Are you happy?
Other person: I don’t understand the word happy.
My organizational chart looks like a boob.
I used to be able to work at Starbucks for a few hours but tell my staff I was at an off-site meeting. It doesn’t work anymore. They smell the Starbucks on me. They smell the lie.
I tell myself, “Get out more and socialize” but then I just sit in my office at lunch and eat cheese.
I work for the kind of place that lays out yogurt during breakfast meetings but then only gives forks.
I need to pay attention. My staff had an ugly sweater contest last year, and I swear, I never even noticed.
Mice? Oh yeah, we have lots of those. We have lice too. Just depends on the day.
I can’t believe you listen to people like me all day. You have a horrible job.
I’m thinking about quitting this job so I can come back as a consultant and make twice as much.
I wish they’d stop calling full-day meetings a retreat. It’s not a retreat. It’s a full-day meeting. If it were a retreat, I’d be wearing jeans.
I brought my dog to work, and he growled at everyone who came into my office. It was awesome!
It’s like that scene from Game of Thrones.
It’s like that scene from The Lion King.
It’s like in Harry Potter with the Weasleys.
It’s like that line from Scooby-Doo.
Monday’s after a holiday are like the Zombie Apocalypse around here.
Do you remember the character “Hooker” from The Sting? It’s like that.
Everyone is talking about that show Stranger Things? Did someone film my workplace?
We can’t meet in my office. It smells like a dirty diaper. It’s the ventilation - honest.
I can’t remember the last time I peed at work.
Well, I didn’t quit today. I might tomorrow, but I suck at quitting.
The copier is so mean to me.