The recent headlines continue to be a real ‘head-scratcher,’ and everyone alive has an opinion about who is to blame or who is at fault regarding controversial issues. As I comb through tweets and social media posts, one thing continues to be clear – we have lost sight of what it means to be a victim. A victim is someone whose rights are violated, or they are injured, harmed or killed as a result of a crime or event. Victims do not choose it, see it coming, or welcome it. I believe people can be victimized in multiple ways. At a minimum, people are victims when they fall into one of these two categories:
A victim mindset is when, regardless of the circumstances, we continue to see ourselves as victimized even when there is evidence to the contrary. When we do not feel heard, we can often fall into the relentless need to seek empathy. When we ask it and do not receive it, it is easy to fall into a cognitive trap of believing others are more fortunate and behave or speak from a place of victimization.
By failing to recognize and honor victims, we are creating an environment where victim mindsets can flourish. When in a victim mindset, it is difficult to see opportunities for growth, change, or transformation. Part of the anecdote to this phenomenon is to give empathy when empathy is due. We need to stop our simple need to fix, and instead, allow people to share their experiences in ways that help them heal in whatever length of time is needed. As leaders, we need to treat each situation for its unique characteristics and not broad brush all people as behaving a certain way. There will always be those few who take full advantage of circumstances, require a great deal of attention, or seem to assume harmful intent. There are also healthy people in the world who have growth mindsets who have been victimized. They deserve to heal without feeling silenced. How can you help facilitate conversations that create empathy and awareness versus judgment and shame? Follow the Conversation on LinkedIn A mere 100 years ago, in 1916, Reverend Charles Courtenay wrote the first full treatise on the subject of silence. He argued the historic merits of silence and described how it has been used systematically, religiously, and politically throughout the generations to disciplinarily control groups of people, especially women and children. While he advocated that disciplinary silence was problematic, he wanted to fill the world with a more reverent silence, which included a hushed woman. A direct quote from his 1916 treatise, The Empire of Silence, reads, “But a talking woman is an awful judgment, and a mystery, and an oppression” (p. 185). Women and children were considered chattering disruptions, and the disciplinary silence was not always a gentle rebuke to be quiet. At times, women were tortured to force their silence. Courtenay’s treatise described different ways the tongue was screwed by iron nails, seared at the tip, or actually bridled to keep women in a forced state of silence. I think we can all agree – we have come a long way. The disciplinary silence of the past is reprehensible but have we replaced the physical restraints with psychological ones? We judge those who protest on issues we disagree. We debate what causes warrant which reactions. We argue politics in black and white terms as if the value is either/or versus both/and. When I see men, women, and children protesting with signs and chanting to be heard – I wonder if they feel silenced or if they feel heard. Protest is a form of voice and one which we need to ensure is never silenced. Regardless of your political views, look beyond the issues and instead focus on how it takes courage to raise voice in the face of adversity. Whether women march for choice, immigration, equality, life or sacredness – they march with voice. To be silenced is a far worse fate. How do you silence or honor those with different viewpoints? |
Carrie Arnold, PhD, MCC, BCCIn no particular order: Author | Dog mom | Speaker | Reader | Mom to human offspring | Wife | Lover of Learning | Leadership coach & consultant, The Willow Group | Faculty for Evidence-Based Coaching at Fielding Graduate University
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