​The more I work with leaders, the more distinctions I see in how people handle change. Nothing lasts forever and most endings bring an emotional response. Sometimes it is a celebratory reaction or a liberation. We breathe a sigh of relief that a welcomed change has finally arrived. Most often, though, transition brings a sense of loss, and if we are not careful, we can get gripped in multiple ways.
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1. Pre-Grippers: The grieving begins long before the end occurs. People are gripped with anticipation and envision the pain. They mull the end. The positive side to this approach is the ending is rarely as hard as the process they put themselves through. The downside is the person is not present with life’s goodness leading up to the eventual loss.
2. Scheduled Grippers: People put off any pre-ending preparation, thinking, or feeling until the end occurs and they are forced to deal with it. They are gripped in real-time by the change. The end can cause paralysis or a strong reaction as they are jolted by tidal waves of emotion that roll over them until they maneuver through the ending and reach solid ground again. Life can sometimes come to a screeching halt during these periods with a slow and sluggish re-entry.
3. Post-Grippers: People yearn so much for the end and the release an ending may bring, they deny any sorrow until long after the transition. Instead, they experience relief and focus on the positive side of the change. The downside to this approach is that people are often surprised to later find they are gripped, grieving a loss from the past.
4. Grip Dodgers: People deny themselves all emotion (positive or negative), an ending may bring. Life is too busy, and there is no time to slow down to feel or process. When this approach is used repeatedly, coping strategies begin to break down, and the body eventually experiences a short-circuiting. A person can only dodge emotion so long before it takes over.

What if we were able to experience an ending with no grip?

What if instead of being startled by emotional endings or bracing ourselves for the end, we let things transition while staying fully aware and present?

What would it take to see the change objectively versus feeling subjected by the ending?

We are always at choice with change. We can choose to hold it, grip it, or let it gently go. Subtle shifts in the mindset can create new reactions, and awareness always brings learning.

What endings are you facing?

I joked recently with a client that half of life is spent managing our own or other people’s anxiety. She agreed. We both laughed, and then we quickly sobered at the realization of this truth.
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Every difficult conversation, decision, negotiation, request, compromise, declaration, or directive stems from a sensation that something needs to shift or be different.

Passivity or sameness in life can create a sense of anxiety as boredom can be a freedom killer. Others have anxiety at the mere idea of change, let alone living through one. Freedom can manifest unease and apprehension is born when

• Things do not move fast enough or they move too quickly
• A decision is made or not made
• There is uncertainty or too much predictability
• You are isolated or you are not alone

What some love, others see as their version of hell (and vice versa).
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The problem is rarely the problem. The problem is anxiety and our response to it. When anxiety goes unaddressed or unexplored, it can fester into difficulties. Then it becomes a ‘whack-a-mole’ approach as we try to fix one problem after another versus the underlying root – our response to anxiety.
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It’s like that one dandelion at the edge of the yard. It’s not hurting anyone, and it bugs you that you have a weed, but it’s only one. We think if we ignore it, perhaps it will go away. Three weeks later, it is shocking to see the yard overrun by gangly stems with heads of white fluff that seem to have spread overnight. Now that darn weed has hijacked your front yard, and you react to this new problem by harshly mowing everything down hoping unwanted wildflowers do not grow back. They do. They always do.

For twenty years, I have had at least one Peter Koestenbaum quote thumb tacked to whatever bulletin board is in my office. He is a master at redefining the role of anxiety in our lives. One of my favorites is the following:

Anxiety is the experience of growth itself. In any endeavor, how do you feel when you go from one stage to the next? The answer: You feel anxious. Anxiety that is denied makes us ill; anxiety that is fully confronted and fully lived through converts itself into joy, security, strength, centeredness, and character. The practical formula: Go where the pain is.

Koestenbaum also has a beautiful way of reminding us that we truncate our lives when we resist or run away when faced with anxiety. We must move towards it. We often have to get closer to the issue and study it; by understanding, it we learn, and then we grow. We may never be weed free, but we can create new environments that hamper the spread of weeds. We can also be intentional with what we plant.

Where are your weeds? Where is your pain? This is where you need to go.
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Photos by James Peacock on Unsplash