​The recent headlines continue to be a real ‘head-scratcher,’ and everyone alive has an opinion about who is to blame or who is at fault regarding controversial issues. As I comb through tweets and social media posts, one thing continues to be clear – we have lost sight of what it means to be a victim. A victim is someone whose rights are violated, or they are injured, harmed or killed as a result of a crime or event. Victims do not choose it, see it coming, or welcome it. I believe people can be victimized in multiple ways. At a minimum, people are victims when they fall into one of these two categories:

• attending school on a day when a shooter opens fire; or
• being told they need to engage in a sexual act to get a job or stay employed.

It is troublesome when I read posts from adults saying things to suggest that being a victim is a weakness or a condition they somehow brought on or are using to their advantage. When did we as a society lose sight of what it means to be injured (psychologically or physically) and that it takes time to heal? Healing often means being able to share your experience and talk about it in a way that does not invite judgment or shame. When did sharing a story about how you were impacted by something illegal or violent become so intolerable? When did we get so jaded that instead, we say things like:

• Get over it
• Set it aside
• Let it go
• Grow from it
• Don’t use it as an excuse
• Or my favorite and most recent one – don’t use it to make yourself significant.

I think it is sad that the word ‘victim’ has become a 4-letter word and those who are truly victimized are reluctant to name it. Instead, they say they are ‘survivors’ of something because to use the word ‘victim’ means they will be criticized. When we fail to listen or provide others the opportunity to express that something terrible has happened, we are contributing to the very thing we want to avoid – a victim-mindset. 

A victim mindset is when, regardless of the circumstances, we continue to see ourselves as victimized even when there is evidence to the contrary. When we do not feel heard, we can often fall into the relentless need to seek empathy. When we ask it and do not receive it, it is easy to fall into a cognitive trap of believing others are more fortunate and behave or speak from a place of victimization.

By failing to recognize and honor victims, we are creating an environment where victim mindsets can flourish. When in a victim mindset, it is difficult to see opportunities for growth, change, or transformation. Part of the anecdote to this phenomenon is to give empathy when empathy is due. We need to stop our simple need to fix, and instead, allow people to share their experiences in ways that help them heal in whatever length of time is needed.

As leaders, we need to treat each situation for its unique characteristics and not broad brush all people as behaving a certain way. There will always be those few who take full advantage of circumstances, require a great deal of attention, or seem to assume harmful intent. There are also healthy people in the world who have growth mindsets who have been victimized. They deserve to heal without feeling silenced.

How can you help facilitate conversations that create empathy and awareness versus judgment and shame?
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Silencing experiences for women are far too common. The media tends to pick up on those that are sensational with a larger than life leader/predator abusing those with minimal power trying to navigate their careers. It is hard to imagine how these things can go on so long without intervention and many are questioning the silence behind what is coined the “casting couch” phenomenon. If we step outside of Hollywood and look in other corporate spaces, we will see women silenced in multiple ways, and it is not always by the sexual evil predator disguised as a wealthy and successful businessman.
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Women in leadership roles – with inherent power and authority based on their position – struggle with the silencing phenomenon much more than realized. There are at least three reasons why.

1. It is not uncommon for a corporate culture to favor a male-dominant discourse. When a female uses a genderlect style of communication (often focused on building rapport and connection) and is met with communication norms that favor status and independence – this can become a silencer.
2. As women navigate corporate cultures or systems of silencing that are primarily faceless and find some measure of success, they can inadvertently become a silencer of other women who are in the midst of their own navigation. When women silence other women, this can become an acutely painful experience – perhaps even less spoken.
3. We assume that only those with formal power silence others and this is not true. Peers can be just as demanding on each other, if not more so, then the next level up. Our tendencies to judge and create ingroups versus outgroups live beyond those high school years. This dynamic in a workplace can be a substantial silencer for women in leadership as they wrestle with acceptance and success in their roles. It is also true that stakeholders, direct reports, customers, and community groups that come together and create a source of informal power can become silencers to women especially when those groups hold a majority opinion that may not be shared by a female leader.  

The phenomenon of silencing is complex, and the recovery process is not just a flip of a switch when all the sudden words are spoken, and silence is broken. It is never quite that simple. Female leaders can take years to recover fully from a silencing experience, and men have an essential role to play.

1. Acknowledge and advocate for the women in your immediate professional circles. Ask them their opinions, solicit their thinking, and do not assume their silence is because they have nothing to say.
2. If you learn a female colleague has been silenced – ask her to share what happened. As women open up about the experience of feeling silenced, it begins to normalize an experience that for many can feel shameful. Shame can lose its fangs when words are spoken.
3. Last, stand with us. As a woman, it can be hard working with other females. We can be exceptionally hard on ourselves and our gender. You have the opportunity to help us see different perspectives with ourselves and others. We also need to regularly experience men as respectful role models, mentors, advocates, professional colleagues, and friends.

Voice efficacy is fundamental for both genders in leadership. We need to speak and lead in ways that others will follow with commitment. When men and women work together in supportive ways, we have the power to eradicate systems that consistently silence.

What has been your experience with silencing?
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