It is an interesting word, ‘strange’ and one we probably use on a regular if not daily basis. When something should work (like our WIFI) but for some reason does not, we call it strange. When we go to a place we have never been, and it feels awkward or uncomfortable, we may describe it as strange. Strange suggests something is surprising or unsettling – difficult to understand. It also implies foreign or unusual. If appropriately used as an adjective, we are describing something as unfamiliar. However, we also use the term in derogatory ways. We call people strange when perhaps they are just strangers. As a noun, there are at least three ways to view strangers. The first as a danger – we warn our children of stranger danger and to not go with someone they are not familiar. The second version of a stranger is a foreigner who is new to our parts. When people move to the U.S. from another country, they are newcomers – they are strangers. The last meaning is when we use ‘stranger’ to describe someone’s behavior. For instance, “She is no stranger to drama.” Meaning, she is darn accustomed to conflict. The word itself can be used in multiple ways and various contexts and yet we have become somewhat homogeneous in our views and perspective of the ‘stranger.’ They are someone to be wary of, to avoid, to question, …to judge. We sometimes call the ‘other’ strange and then avoid. I had a meeting with a client recently who shared with me that he was drawn back to the teachings of the Torah. These are the first five books of the Bible, also considered the Pentateuch. These early texts describe the origin of the Jewish peoplehood and their covenant with God. The Torah mentions at least 36 times how to treat strangers – the overriding lesson is to treat them with empathy. You shall not wrong nor oppress the stranger, for you were strangers in the Land of Egypt (Exodus 22:20). The world stage is giving us many opportunities to question and consider our views of strangers.
There are cute and pithy statements about strangers all over the internet. Here are a few based on a quick Google search. The words seem accurate enough.
Words are beautiful, but it is our actions that determine our real feelings and intentions when it comes to strangers. Who gets our smiles? Who gets our eye-contact? Who receives the return phone call or email? How long do we treat people we do not know as foreign or dangerous before we shift into something friendlier? Ultimately, who gets our empathy? As I write and post this blog, I am wrestling with these questions myself. What about you? The recent headlines continue to be a real ‘head-scratcher,’ and everyone alive has an opinion about who is to blame or who is at fault regarding controversial issues. As I comb through tweets and social media posts, one thing continues to be clear – we have lost sight of what it means to be a victim. A victim is someone whose rights are violated, or they are injured, harmed or killed as a result of a crime or event. Victims do not choose it, see it coming, or welcome it. I believe people can be victimized in multiple ways. At a minimum, people are victims when they fall into one of these two categories:
A victim mindset is when, regardless of the circumstances, we continue to see ourselves as victimized even when there is evidence to the contrary. When we do not feel heard, we can often fall into the relentless need to seek empathy. When we ask it and do not receive it, it is easy to fall into a cognitive trap of believing others are more fortunate and behave or speak from a place of victimization.
By failing to recognize and honor victims, we are creating an environment where victim mindsets can flourish. When in a victim mindset, it is difficult to see opportunities for growth, change, or transformation. Part of the anecdote to this phenomenon is to give empathy when empathy is due. We need to stop our simple need to fix, and instead, allow people to share their experiences in ways that help them heal in whatever length of time is needed. As leaders, we need to treat each situation for its unique characteristics and not broad brush all people as behaving a certain way. There will always be those few who take full advantage of circumstances, require a great deal of attention, or seem to assume harmful intent. There are also healthy people in the world who have growth mindsets who have been victimized. They deserve to heal without feeling silenced. How can you help facilitate conversations that create empathy and awareness versus judgment and shame? Follow the Conversation on LinkedIn |
Carrie Arnold, PhD, MCC, BCCIn no particular order: Author | Dog mom | Speaker | Reader | Mom to human offspring | Wife | Lover of Learning | Leadership coach & consultant, The Willow Group | Faculty for Evidence-Based Coaching at Fielding Graduate University
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