The Difference between Being a Victim and Having a Victim Mindset

​The recent headlines continue to be a real ‘head-scratcher,’ and everyone alive has an opinion about who is to blame or who is at fault regarding controversial issues. As I comb through tweets and social media posts, one thing continues to be clear – we have lost sight of what it means to be a victim. A victim is someone whose rights are violated, or they are injured, harmed or killed as a result of a crime or event. Victims do not choose it, see it coming, or welcome it. I believe people can be victimized in multiple ways. At a minimum, people are victims when they fall into one of these two categories:

• attending school on a day when a shooter opens fire; or
• being told they need to engage in a sexual act to get a job or stay employed.

It is troublesome when I read posts from adults saying things to suggest that being a victim is a weakness or a condition they somehow brought on or are using to their advantage. When did we as a society lose sight of what it means to be injured (psychologically or physically) and that it takes time to heal? Healing often means being able to share your experience and talk about it in a way that does not invite judgment or shame. When did sharing a story about how you were impacted by something illegal or violent become so intolerable? When did we get so jaded that instead, we say things like:

• Get over it
• Set it aside
• Let it go
• Grow from it
• Don’t use it as an excuse
• Or my favorite and most recent one – don’t use it to make yourself significant.

I think it is sad that the word ‘victim’ has become a 4-letter word and those who are truly victimized are reluctant to name it. Instead, they say they are ‘survivors’ of something because to use the word ‘victim’ means they will be criticized. When we fail to listen or provide others the opportunity to express that something terrible has happened, we are contributing to the very thing we want to avoid – a victim-mindset. 

A victim mindset is when, regardless of the circumstances, we continue to see ourselves as victimized even when there is evidence to the contrary. When we do not feel heard, we can often fall into the relentless need to seek empathy. When we ask it and do not receive it, it is easy to fall into a cognitive trap of believing others are more fortunate and behave or speak from a place of victimization.

By failing to recognize and honor victims, we are creating an environment where victim mindsets can flourish. When in a victim mindset, it is difficult to see opportunities for growth, change, or transformation. Part of the anecdote to this phenomenon is to give empathy when empathy is due. We need to stop our simple need to fix, and instead, allow people to share their experiences in ways that help them heal in whatever length of time is needed.

As leaders, we need to treat each situation for its unique characteristics and not broad brush all people as behaving a certain way. There will always be those few who take full advantage of circumstances, require a great deal of attention, or seem to assume harmful intent. There are also healthy people in the world who have growth mindsets who have been victimized. They deserve to heal without feeling silenced.

How can you help facilitate conversations that create empathy and awareness versus judgment and shame?
​Follow the Conversation on LinkedIn

LinkedIn