​The more I work with leaders, the more distinctions I see in how people handle change. Nothing lasts forever and most endings bring an emotional response. Sometimes it is a celebratory reaction or a liberation. We breathe a sigh of relief that a welcomed change has finally arrived. Most often, though, transition brings a sense of loss, and if we are not careful, we can get gripped in multiple ways.
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1. Pre-Grippers – the grieving begins long before the end occurs. People are gripped with anticipation and envision the pain. They mull the end. The positive side to this approach is the ending is rarely as hard as the process they put themselves through. The downside is the person is not present with life’s goodness leading up to the eventual loss.
2. Scheduled Grippers – People put off any pre-ending preparation, thinking, or feeling until the end occurs and they are forced to deal with it. They are gripped in real-time by the change. The end can cause paralysis or a strong reaction as they are jolted by tidal waves of emotion that roll over them until they maneuver through the ending and reach solid ground again. Life can sometimes come to a screeching halt during these periods with a slow and sluggish re-entry.
3. Post-Grippers – People yearn so much for the end and the release an ending may bring, they deny any sorrow until long after the transition. Instead, they experience relief and focus on the positive side of the change. The downside to this approach is that people are often surprised to later find they are gripped, grieving a loss from the past.
4. Grip Dodgers – People deny themselves all emotion (positive or negative), an ending may bring. Life is too busy, and there is no time to slow down to feel or process. When this approach is used repeatedly, coping strategies begin to break down, and the body eventually experiences a short-circuiting. A person can only dodge emotion so long before it takes over.

What if we were able to experience an ending with no grip?

What if instead of being startled by emotional endings or bracing ourselves for the end, we let things transition while staying fully aware and present?

What would it take to see the change objectively versus feeling subjected by the ending?

We are always at choice with change. We can choose to hold it, grip it, or let it gently go. Subtle shifts in the mindset can create new reactions, and awareness always brings learning.

What endings are you facing?

Important Consumer Note: If your laptop, printer, router, cable box, or smartphone is broken (facepalm), I feel your pain! But please note – this article is not going to help with your technology issues (rats).

I tend to write my blogs based on themes that emerge from my coaching and consulting practice. This past month I have seen a trend of clients talking about the need to repair broken relationships. They are curious about the best way to approach someone to restore something they believe has been compromised. For those wrestling with something similar, it may be helpful to understand the distinction between repairing a relationship versus hitting the reset button.
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To repair a relationship suggests some wrong needs to be made right. There needs to be a discussion about what was said or done with the objective of apologizing, forgiving, rebuilding trust, and moving on. However, when teams want to do this work together, within a full-day meeting, I start to sweat (gulp). It is hard to keep the collective conversation from creating more wrongs. Often what is brought up can be unfiltered and tends to cause additional damage and resentment. We can spend precious hours admiring all the microaggressions we have passed back and forth in our professional relationships.

Instead, I try to get my clients to acknowledge the power of hitting the reset button. This means naming that relationships have not been optimal between people or parties for different reasons. Often people hold different positions that cause tension. There could be elements of ingroup versus outgroup dynamics that result in people feeling excluded. Sometimes, there is a long history of climate issues that leave people feeling devalued or unheard. Often relationships are threatened more by system issues than by the individuals themselves. When this is the case, repair is probably not the answer. Instead, a commitment to resetting the standards of professional engagement is the needed first step.

When someone asks for a reset, the following need to be present.

1. A willingness for everyone to personally engage from a different perspective, mindset, or belief. This requires letting go of past issues and a desire to start afresh. Do not ask or agree to a reset if you plan to bring the same thinking that you have always had up to this point.
2. A declarative statement of what you want the professional relationship to look like moving forward. It involves fidelity to creating new ways of talking to each other and asking for support, information, or commitment.
3. Good humor! Nothing can break tension better than people acknowledging they have not been ‘adulting’ very well. “Can I have a mulligan?” or, “My head is better screwed on now.” can be magical ways to cut through the clutter and start fresh.

An overall willingness to release your clasp on being ‘right’ is critical. This quest for justice and keeping score on past wrongs is exhausting and rarely serves anyone involved.

Sometimes a reset is far too simple and professional relationships need more in-depth repair work (like going back versus forward and sharing context to seek restoration). Before you dive into that work – try the reset approach first. It may be precisely what is needed and can save you time and precious energy.

What professional relationships need a reset?