Nothing feels more satisfying than meeting someone and hearing, No way! Me too!  We love finding like-minded people who share similar thoughts or interests. We are hard-wired to live and interact in community. We need our tribes! It is also normal for us to seek commonality in our complaints and seek people who we can gripe with (just check out Facebook). Let’s face it – complaining feels good. The mere act of expressing our grumbles and grievances can bring an emotional release and catharsis, and there is plenty of research to demonstrate the wellness of expression.

However, there is a distinction between expressing our dissatisfaction and admiring our problems. Problem admiration occurs when we voice the same concerns over and over to multiple people. In a professional setting, this can be a natural occurrence. Organizations rarely get it right as often as we would hope and our institutions both public and private give us plenty to complain about. When we feel strongly about our complaint, we will recruit colleagues to adopt our perspectives and expressions of dissatisfaction until we hear these satisfying words - YOU.ARE.RIGHT! I think this is a problem too. Let me add my two cents… And voila! Problem admiration has magically begun.
​
Behind every complaint is a request and often that request is to be heard. I have found that people will show a strong fidelity to problem admiration until the right questions are asked. It is also important to note that we cannot collectively rely on a shared knowledge of the obvious. We have to ask basic questions and provide simple responses. For instance:

• What will it take for you to feel heard?
• Now that you’ve been heard, what do you need?
• What are you willing to do to get what you need?

If we cannot get to the bottom of the request behind a complaint, individuals can stay in a circular mindset of problem admiration. There has to be a pattern interrupt, and simple provoking questions can often be a magic wand.

In closing, sometimes all the right questions are asked and we are still not ready to move beyond our complaints. Problem admiration can be less toxic when we know we are consciously choosing it. Sometimes we just need to stay mad one more day and admire the tar out of something before we choose the act of courage and move on or let go.

What problems are you admiring? 

At a recent leadership coaching conference, I learned the power of ‘I Must.' Sometimes I must lie on the floor and get nose-to-nose with my black lab. Sometimes I must hug my 14-year old daughter even when she holds herself limp or stiff. I must play the radio too loud, text my husband when he is busy, paint a wall, eat chocolate, drink wine, scroll Pinterest, laugh, cry, write. Sometimes, I simply must!
​
We all have our ‘musts’ that make us abundantly flawed and beautifully human. I have also learned that to grow continually and develop as an adult I must be willing to break three things.

• First, I must break silence. As a private introvert who is deeply sensitive, I like to admire something I have learned within the confines of my own mind. Sometimes words fail and I lose interest in trying to find ways to voice something I have discovered. However, learning cannot be transformational when done in secret – it must be shared. Transformation is also best experienced in community.
• Second, I must break a pattern. Sometimes that pattern is a belief that I have the right answers. People who are committed to being right are often seen by others as righteous. Breaking a belief pattern requires letting go of certainty and getting comfortable with not knowing. I must get curious and push the edges of my consciousness to allow different, weird, and new into my thinking.
• Third, growing as an adult breaks your heart. Knowledge is socially constructed through stories, connections, and language. As I learn about my clients, and myself, I can stay at a cognitive level and collect facts or data. However, if I want to grow, I must allow myself to expand, to feel, to join, and to create space that pushes me to the point of heartbreak.

As a leadership coach, I need to name and know my personal and professional musts. Someone else cannot prescribe them, lest they lose their essential quality and become disingenuous.

What must you do or be? What must happen for you to learn and grow?