I held a workshop recently and asked my participants to journal what they (on average) wake up thinking about on any given workday. As one might imagine, these things surfaced:
I can argue that what we wake up thinking about is an indication of our status, privilege, or standing in life. To know I have food, clothing, a bed, transportation, and resources makes me profoundly grateful. Like everyone, there have been times in my life that I woke up with tears because I was grieving a loss, worried about another, or suffering because of conflict. I have certainly had those restless nights where I worry about finances, a child’s well-being, or significant decisions. However, I can say that on average, I do not wake up with major crisis on my mind. Instead, I wake up thinking about the tactical aspects of my day. And yet, as I work, write, interact, research, and live in this world, I am becoming more and more socially aware of what I do not experience. It is an unspoken privilege to wake up and not immediately think about the color of my skin. Many of my African American friends and colleagues cannot say the same thing. I also did not realize until recently what a gift it is to wake up and not worry if I would be called a liar. Lots of women cannot say the same thing. I pray my daughter will never have to experience this. The more aware we are of our gifts, opportunities, and privileges, it allows us to leverage our gratitude with those who need to be believed, supported, defended, cared for, and when possible invited in to share the blessings we wake up to every day. What do you wake up thinking about? This question was posed to me at a recent conference I was attending. As you can surmise, the presenter was discussing self-limiting behaviors and how they not only limit, but they can be poisonous to the body, mind, and soul. As I reflected on her question, I could not help but think of adolescent behavior. In many ways, the SELF that limits the self is much like a mean girl. Consider what mean girls might do to others:
Here is how it might look to limit the self and what the SELF may say to you.
“You are not as talented as those in your peer group; you do not have as much to offer, and your qualifications are not as strong. Everyone else is better than you.” “You are not as slim, attractive, or fit as others in your department, organization, or field. Because of your lack of physical discipline, you will not be chosen.” “Be careful how you speak up – if you say that, you will jeopardize your status in this organization. Do not rock the boat. Play it safe, so you do not lose points with your boss or peers.” “This is your problem, and no else seems to struggle as much. Just find a way to deal with that person. Everyone else has been able to figure it out – why can’t you?” “You are not good enough if you do not get that next promotion. Success is never achieved if you stay in middle management.” “There is something wrong with you, or you would be invited to participate in those project teams and brainstorming sessions. You are not strategic enough to join those important meetings.” “You are an idiot. You are weak. You are a failure. You are too much. You are not good enough.” I am sure none of you reading this post could imagine saying any of the quoted sentences to another person in a professional setting. So why (why? Why? WHY?) do we say it to ourselves? Notice the mean girl behavior and manage the SELF that limits the self. You deserve better - and you know it! What type of self-limiting behavior do you engage? |
Carrie Arnold, PhD, MCC, BCCIn no particular order: Author | Dog mom | Speaker | Reader | Mom to human offspring | Wife | Lover of Learning | Leadership coach & consultant, The Willow Group | Faculty for Evidence-Based Coaching at Fielding Graduate University
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