What Kind of SELF is the Self that Limits You?

This question was posed to me at a recent conference I was attending. As you can surmise, the presenter was discussing self-limiting behaviors and how they not only limit, but they can be poisonous to the body, mind, and soul. As I reflected on her question, I could not help but think of adolescent behavior. In many ways, the SELF that limits the self is much like a mean girl.

Consider what mean girls might do to others:

1. She is envious – she wants what others have and may be hurtful to those who have something she does not have but wants.
2. She is appearance focused – she is hyper-focused on looking a certain way and may make decisions about who is in her friend group based on appearance.
3. She is status focused – she wants to appear popular and important.
4. Drama surrounds her – she struggles in her friendships and may have a difficult time staying in harmonious relationships.
5. She has a strong desire to be in control – she wants to be a leader, and she wants her friends to accept and follow her.
6. She belongs to a clique – she desires to have an inner circle or ingroup; her sense of self-worth is questioned when she is in isolation.

Mean girl behavior may also encompass other unhealthy aspects such as disrespect for authority, physical outbursts, name calling, etc. I think most functioning adults would be horrified to think of their child acting like a mean girl or being on the receiving end of mean girl behavior. Given this assumption, why do so many people find themselves on the receiving end of mean girl behavior from SELF?

Here is how it might look to limit the self and what the SELF may say to you.

“You are not as talented as those in your peer group; you do not have as much to offer, and your qualifications are not as strong. Everyone else is better than you.”

“You are not as slim, attractive, or fit as others in your department, organization, or field. Because of your lack of physical discipline, you will not be chosen.”

“Be careful how you speak up – if you say that, you will jeopardize your status in this organization. Do not rock the boat. Play it safe, so you do not lose points with your boss or peers.”

“This is your problem, and no else seems to struggle as much. Just find a way to deal with that person. Everyone else has been able to figure it out – why can’t you?”

“You are not good enough if you do not get that next promotion. Success is never achieved if you stay in middle management.”

“There is something wrong with you, or you would be invited to participate in those project teams and brainstorming sessions. You are not strategic enough to join those important meetings.”

“You are an idiot. You are weak. You are a failure. You are too much. You are not good enough.”

I am sure none of you reading this post could imagine saying any of the quoted sentences to another person in a professional setting. So why (why? Why? WHY?) do we say it to ourselves? Notice the mean girl behavior and manage the SELF that limits the self. You deserve better - and you know it!

What type of self-limiting behavior do you engage?