It is an interesting word, ‘strange’ and one we probably use on a regular if not daily basis. When something should work (like our WIFI) but for some reason does not, we call it strange. When we go to a place we have never been, and it feels awkward or uncomfortable, we may describe it as strange.

Strange suggests something is surprising or unsettling – difficult to understand. It also implies foreign or unusual. If appropriately used as an adjective, we are describing something as unfamiliar. However, we also use the term in derogatory ways. We call people strange when perhaps they are just strangers.

As a noun, there are at least three ways to view strangers. The first as a danger – we warn our children of stranger danger and to not go with someone they are not familiar. The second version of a stranger is a foreigner who is new to our parts. When people move to the U.S. from another country, they are newcomers – they are strangers. The last meaning is when we use ‘stranger’ to describe someone’s behavior. For instance, “She is no stranger to drama.” Meaning, she is darn accustomed to conflict.

The word itself can be used in multiple ways and various contexts and yet we have become somewhat homogeneous in our views and perspective of the ‘stranger.’ They are someone to be wary of, to avoid, to question, …to judge. We sometimes call the ‘other’ strange and then avoid.

I had a meeting with a client recently who shared with me that he was drawn back to the teachings of the Torah. These are the first five books of the Bible, also considered the Pentateuch. These early texts describe the origin of the Jewish peoplehood and their covenant with God. The Torah mentions at least 36 times how to treat strangers – the overriding lesson is to treat them with empathy.

The world stage is giving us many opportunities to question and consider our views of strangers.

• Are we open to new people?
• What is at risk by showing empathy?
• What do we lose if we refuse to treat strangers with kindness?
• Where are we considered strangers?

There are cute and pithy statements about strangers all over the internet. Here are a few based on a quick Google search. The words seem accurate enough.

• Remember that every good friend was once a stranger
• A friend may be waiting behind a stranger’s face
• Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends

Words are beautiful, but it is our actions that determine our real feelings and intentions when it comes to strangers. Who gets our smiles? Who gets our eye-contact? Who receives the return phone call or email? How long do we treat people we do not know as foreign or dangerous before we shift into something friendlier? Ultimately, who gets our empathy?
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As I write and post this blog, I am wrestling with these questions myself.

What about you?

Important Consumer Note: If your laptop, printer, router, cable box, or smartphone is broken (facepalm), I feel your pain! But please note – this article is not going to help with your technology issues (rats).

I tend to write my blogs based on themes that emerge from my coaching and consulting practice. This past month I have seen a trend of clients talking about the need to repair broken relationships. They are curious about the best way to approach someone to restore something they believe has been compromised. For those wrestling with something similar, it may be helpful to understand the distinction between repairing a relationship versus hitting the reset button.
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To repair a relationship suggests some wrong needs to be made right. There needs to be a discussion about what was said or done with the objective of apologizing, forgiving, rebuilding trust, and moving on. However, when teams want to do this work together, within a full-day meeting, I start to sweat (gulp). It is hard to keep the collective conversation from creating more wrongs. Often what is brought up can be unfiltered and tends to cause additional damage and resentment. We can spend precious hours admiring all the microaggressions we have passed back and forth in our professional relationships.

Instead, I try to get my clients to acknowledge the power of hitting the reset button. This means naming that relationships have not been optimal between people or parties for different reasons. Often people hold different positions that cause tension. There could be elements of ingroup versus outgroup dynamics that result in people feeling excluded. Sometimes, there is a long history of climate issues that leave people feeling devalued or unheard. Often relationships are threatened more by system issues than by the individuals themselves. When this is the case, repair is probably not the answer. Instead, a commitment to resetting the standards of professional engagement is the needed first step.

When someone asks for a reset, the following need to be present.

1. A willingness for everyone to personally engage from a different perspective, mindset, or belief. This requires letting go of past issues and a desire to start afresh. Do not ask or agree to a reset if you plan to bring the same thinking that you have always had up to this point.
2. A declarative statement of what you want the professional relationship to look like moving forward. It involves fidelity to creating new ways of talking to each other and asking for support, information, or commitment.
3. Good humor! Nothing can break tension better than people acknowledging they have not been ‘adulting’ very well. “Can I have a mulligan?” or, “My head is better screwed on now.” can be magical ways to cut through the clutter and start fresh.

An overall willingness to release your clasp on being ‘right’ is critical. This quest for justice and keeping score on past wrongs is exhausting and rarely serves anyone involved.

Sometimes a reset is far too simple and professional relationships need more in-depth repair work (like going back versus forward and sharing context to seek restoration). Before you dive into that work – try the reset approach first. It may be precisely what is needed and can save you time and precious energy.

What professional relationships need a reset?